A Bruneiyuki’s Emotional Baggage!

Few days from now, I’ll be turning 24. Scary it seems but I have to accept reality wholeheartedly. Time Flies. We age. We grow. As for me, my twenty third years in this world is truly unforgettable. It’s bubbly and tragic. It’s full of ironies: gains and pains, overall realizations. The series of events that hit my life were definitely life changing and somewhat pushed me to become a strong and faithful servant of God. As I look back, I can feel numbness. Again, I’m floating.

Last year, I turned 23 with extravagance. It was such a spectacular celebration, truly of lifetime value. All of my closest friends from highschool, college and even in work were there to celebrate my “children’s party” themed party. Though there were no mascots of some sort to make people laugh, I guess watching me talk and throw punchlines were enough to make them fall of their seat. I was there chatting and blabbing with any topic under the sun to assure everyone’s enjoyment and repay the long traveling hours just to get here in Lagro.

Since I was planning the party three months before the actual staging, through my creative efforts, I was able to achieve the “seven-year old party motif”. I made it sure that I have enough budget for the production design I want to achieve. Imagine, it took me almost whole day searching for cartoons designed yet cheap balloons in shopping malls and checking my budget fall according to plan. And so, the ending of the mall strolling and bangketa haggle moments, our simple garage was transformed into a loud, hot and fabulous party place. Of course, setting up the place solicit scrutinizing and weird stare. But then, to my heart’s delight, I ignored everything and got my ticket to bliss.

It was a tedious party yet very ecstatic. Since my mom sponsored the party, the expenses to the palatable foods were not a problem. There was an overflowing supply of delicious and home made foods, of course some were ordered from my mom’s kumara and officemates. Actually, the party had too much food that those who stayed longer had their take outs. My friends all took home with handbags and paper plastics containing food of their choice (ang saya di ba?). And speaking of take outs, everyone got their souvenirs especially made by yours truly. It’s an easter egg I bought from

Toy

Kingdom

which I put soccer ball shaped chocolates inside.

As the night falls, there were people singing in the videoke. Some were just having their time with good old friends. Some were checking out and discovering things in our family albums. It’s as if the party went out to be a get together of some sort to my friends, at the same time, bonding for my family. It was so perfect that I’d wish the night won’t end.

In the end, I got many gifts, birthday greetings and lots of birthday greetings – verbal thingy, text messages and birthday cards. But there’s this one gift I enjoyed most and my family. It was when the search for the star in a million finalists- mabel, billy, nikki, veejay and jona came into our house in Lagro and celebrate with us. Of course I invited them to my party but then, I was not expecting they’ll make it since they’re coming from a mall show in Pampanga. Then again, they made it and so I almost loss my sanity (just kidding). And there, It was through that moment I was able to share a gift not just for my myself but most especially to my mom whose really dying to see celebrities like them. It was a gift so priceless and beyond compare. As my friends one by one bid their farewell and last birthday greetings pahabol, and so that ends my twenty third birthday party, so vibrant and sparkling.

After a year, here I am remembering the year that passed. Oh my God, I’m turning twenty four. Here I am again rationalizing on things. Honestly, I can’t accept the fact I’m turning twenty four. I wish the clock will stop and the world will spin backwards to bring back my age and all those good memories. But then that won’t happen, coz in the real world, there’s the clock to make you realize time flies, there’s the calendar to remind you of days and years passing by, and most especially there’s your family and friends that’ll give you reason to move forward and live your life day-by-day. However, who can blame me if I miss my mom as I flip a new page in my life.

I feel numb. Yes. I’m floating. I just don’t feel happy in my upcoming birth day. It is painful coz this is the first birthday I’ll be celebrating without my mom. I never have thought last year, a party she sponsored, would be my last birthday celebration with her. I can still remember the joys in her eyes and her smile. Oh God! It hurts and it’s really bad. All that is hugging me at this very moment is pain and longing ness. It’s painful and it’s really depressing.

Can someone teach me again to sing a happy birthday song? Or will someone be there to blow my cake? I mean come on, it’s very hard. I don’t know how to make the melody and end the song! Will someone do it for me?

No gifts are enough to make me happy. No birthday greetings would surprise me and complete my day. Losing my mom in this journey of mine is slowly killing me. I suppose, that special day would just simple be an ordinary day. Of course I’ll be celebrating it with my family and some dear friends, but then again, I had to be strong to bring back the “earvs” in the battle called life. Maybe this feeling is for now. I’m sure God will help me on that special day. It is only through God, my Family and friends I get my will to fight and endure life’s trials.

I’m not saying this because I’m weak or I haven’t moved on from the dream shattering chapter of my life but it only shows that I’m just human and I can’t control my emotions. I just miss my mom especially in the most special event of my life like birthdays and the like. Our lives have changed since the day she left us. The only weapon we had to fight loneliness is our love for each members of the family. Thank God I had my family and friends whose there in times of sadness and low moments. I guess they are my tissue papers and shock absorbers. So damn useful!

Now that the days are so fast moving, I can say that hopefully I’ll be ready to face my twenty fourth birthday with a smile in my face. I don’t care if I don’t have a love life. I don’t care if I’m still a virgin in liquors or in sex. But what I care most, when that day comes, hopefully, actually the greatest gift that would make me contented on that day, my mom even in my dreams, greeting me a happy birthday and giving me a kiss. So childish but that’s very me.  

Right now, I had only one wish in my mind: I wish happiness for my mom wherever she maybe. And I hope, God will continue to shower my family good health, strength and an undying love for each other. Nothing I expect more in that special day. I hope everything will fall according to its place. Though I expect tears will all be a part of the icing of the cake. How dramatic isn’t it?

I know it may sound strange to put into paper such birthday wishes but for me, it’s a therapy, a way of releasing all of these emotions inside. In the end, you’ll realize, the greatest gift in this world is not the material things we acquire as we get old but the people we have and love until the day we say goodbye in this world.

Goodbye 23 and welcome 24! Oh god, I’m twenty four! Yeah right! Happy Birthday to me! June 18, here I come!