A Bruneiyuki’s Emotional Baggage!

  I feel low. I feel depressed. The source of it; a jobless life of my choice. I’m just thankful the holidays seasons keeps me very busy. However, a series of traumatic events in my life intensify my depression. First, everyone knows my mom passed away last january. As expected, this will be our first family’s christmas day without her, o kahit sa mga susunod pang mga selebrasyon. And lastly, as I’ve mentioned, I’m jobless right now. I can’t deny I’m slowly, actually rapidly using my savings. I just wish I would eventually have a job by January. Everyone knows me as a bubbly, jologs and super ingay na tao. Normal ko yon. Laging to the nth power ang energy level. Sugar level at its peak. Pero for the past days, mukhang nagtatago si earvs. Hindi nagpaparamdam. Ayaw pumunta sa mga parties, gatherings o kahit sa simpleng kita kits. Lahat ito signs of depression. It’s my decision pero di ko naman sinasadya. Aside from the fact I hate self pity dahil slight ma-pride akong tao, natataon naman kasing me rehearsal ako sa aking singing career. And speaking of my singing career, smashing success ang guesting ko sa patio enrico singing “breaking free,” a cut from the most loved album of the highschool musical. Buti na nga lang kumakanta ako, it’s been my therapy since the day I resigned from work. Hitting high tones and performing actually pushed me to be strong and made me realize, teka sayang ang talent kung mabubulok lang. and so, kinakarir ko ang pagkanta and hopefully I’d be successful in this new found career. I have many fears in life. First, mapagiwanan sa buhay. Hindi sa nagmamayabang, madami na rin akong na-achieve sa buhay. Those achievements in life made me believe I can go beyond what is expected from me. And so I expect too much. Pag work, binibigay ko ang 100 percent ko. Binibigay ko ang lahat ko. Wala na nga akong lovelife dahil sa work. Meaning workaholic ako. in the end, pinagsisihan ko ang pagiging workaholic ko. Hindi naman sa pinagsisihan kundi bahagyang pinagisipan. Kaya naman ang ending, pag na-fu-frustrate ako, super abot lupa ang pagkadismaya. Feeling ko wala ng bukas. Wala ng araw. Wala ng susunod. Katapusan na ng buhay. Pangalawang takot ko sa buhay ang mabaliw. Masyado kasi akong mapagisip. Emosyonal pa ako. kaya pag nagsama, clash ang dalawa. Sabog ako. lutang. Parang bulak na hinahangin. Walang direksiyon. Yan ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Feeling ko I’m so useless. Feeling ko kahit mawala ako sa mundo okay lang. ito ang nararamdaman. Lahat ito epekto ng depresyon sa buhay ko. Karapatan ko yon. Tao ako. me puso. Me damdamin, yon lang, sobra kung mag-expect at masaktan. Lesson learned, one at a time. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith in God. Alam ko di niya ako pababayaan. Isa pa, my family is there. So kapit lang. hopefully malampasan ko ang pinaka-challenging na chapter na ito ng buhay ko. I hate na gumigising sa umaga na natatakot ka. Yung feeling na walang silbi ang buhay. Yung walang pagasa. Yung feeling na bibigay ka na at handang humagulgol. Buti na lang me diyos at dasal akong nakakapitan. Last week, I refused to attend the idol christmas slash closing party. Para sa akin, being there and partying would only bring back “horrible” memories with people I hate, well, not to all but only to some. Honestly, when I left the idol team, I felt I lose a game I’ve always wanted. Working in Philippine Idol partly has been my dream. I love production by heart. Hinihinga ko ang media. Dumadaloy sa ugat ko ang pagsusulat at pagdidirek. It is something I fantasize of shining and having a perfect career in the future. However, with so much expectations, my plans did not fall into place. Masyado na naman akong umasa at muli nasaktan. And through that “dramatic and life changing resignation”, now, I’m faced with sadness pero with no regrets. However, I’m not closing my doors to the media world. Maybe I just need time to rest and do a job different from my Tv production. Actually, my friend elmi has been very vocal and effective in helping me to recover sa aking mga breakdowns. All the phone chikahan and okrayan really helped me a lot. Thank god I’m starting to bring back my bubbly and jologs personality. Tawanan lang pala sa telepono ang katapat. Sana magtuloy tuloy na. I must admit, after two months of silence I’m ready to confess that I had a nervous breakdown last october. Aside from the death of my mom, there were series of events in my work that lead into my breakdown. Aamnin ko, eksklusibo, I was harassed and I was traumatized with the show’s (meaning Philippine idol) “non-working” system and useless people in higher positions. Yes. I hate my boss. She’s useless. Kung matino ba naman ang pagiisip mo, kakain ka lang ng mani kung hindi eere ang show mo?. She’s really a pain in the ass. I know the idol staff especially the TV team would relate to what I’m talking about. Her story is definitely a classic example of taking position by name and paggamit ng posisyon para bumango ang resume. At sa aking opinion, my boss craft and “de-contribution” in the show is truly honorable in the horror roll of media filthy history. Talagang karimarimarim. Kaya ang sigaw ng bayan, goodluck sayo aka manilyn! Right now, I still feel low. There are people na ayokong makita. Ayokong marinig. Ayokong makausap. Pero napatawad ko na sila. Thank god dahil nabibigyan linaw ang lahat. I know someday magiging maayos din ang lahat. Naiiyak ako dahil hindi ako ganito. Masayahin ako. puno ng kulay. Puno ng buhay. Balot ng sigla. Pero iba ang pagkatao ko ngayon. Oo pag nagkita tayo babatiin kita ng ngiti pero deep inside nalulungkot ako. sagad na pagkalungkot. Super lungkot. Gusto ko nga umiyak. Yung ngawa ng bata. Bakit ganito ang buhay. Pero alam ko malalampasan ko din ito. Sabi nila strong akong tao, alam ko naman yon at sa pagkakataong ito, susubukan kong muling maging matatag at malakas para sa mga taong minamahal ko at nagmamahal sakin. Mahal ko ang buhay. Mahal ko ang pamilya ko. Mahal ko ang mga kaibigan ko. Mahal ko ang buhay. Sana malampasan ko ang depression na ito. Dahil kung hindi, I need to seek medical help. Promise. Gayunpaman, I’m ready to face year 2007. Let me sing the song: Go The Distance by Michael Bolton!